Here's something anyone who proclaims themself a 'nice guy' should consider. Are you really as nice as you think? Nisha Sundrum, who writes the blog 'Love Life' says in an article on how to break up with a nice guy:
"Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation:attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior "
Think long, deep & hard. Sound like you? Like someone you know?
What she doesnt mention here is that many 'nice guys' dont even recognize their own behaviour.
The tips below, are ways to avoid being one of those not too sincere 'nice guys'.
NUMBER ONE:
Here's the thing. Some 'nice guys' have a real complex, in which they think that the world is against them - that they are the nicest guys in the world and that therefore, they deserve what they want. But here's the thing. Sometimes, you dont get what you want. Sometimes, good as you are in all areas of your life, a particular girl will just happen to not feel that way about you. It's not a personal attack, she's not a bitch, shes just not into you, and whats more : she cant help it.
Surely I'm not the only girl whos been guilt tripped for not choosing the guy who (without my knowledge) had been 'waiting the whole time'. If you want to REALLY be a nice guy, try being nice for the sake of being nice, and not just to fulfill your romantic agenda.
NUMBER TWO:
If girls 'never go for you' there IS a reason. I'm not saying that you're any of the things you may think you are - not attractive, not intelligent, not funny - whatever. I'm saying that if its time & time again, there probably is a reason, and the good news is, you can fix it. The most common reasons for becoming, and staying one of 'those' guys are:
YOU GO TOO FAST, TOO FURIOUS
- - here's a secret: 'tuning' or dating a girl is not at all like a Vin Diesel movie. If you shower her with too many compliments, too many gifts, too many text messages/phonecalls/fb wall posts, whatever ....she's going to feel suffocated. Now this is hard, because you have to pull out your tightrope walking skills & walk that delicate line between asshole and obsessive lover. Go too far either way, and its a disaster. You should never be an asshole - and just as a tip, using the excuse 'guys like assholes' is NOT a good enough reason for you to be an asshole. Dont add more problems for the poor girls with daddy issues, ok? You need to appear to have your own, involved life - your own friends, your own social activities, your own hobbies - and she does not need to be involved in them. There should be some level of casual mystery as to what you do with your time, especially if its only early days. Girls tend to respect a guy who is their own self, who is confident (we'll talk about this in a minute) and who doesnt seem to 'need' her. They don't want a baby, they want a man, at least in early days. So, what I'm saying is - fill your life with the things you enjoy doing, your hobbies, etc and for at least the early days, work her in around those times. If you go out with your mates, dont text her the whole time- at least ACT like there are other things that fill your attention.
Here's an important note. A girl does NOT want you to be OBSESSED with her. It freaks her out, and in the end, it actually cheapens the relationship. She wants to EARN your love. When you compliment her, when you tell her you love her etc, she wants it to be because you've already really taken the time to know her. She wants you to love her once you know her, not just because of what you think you know of her. Thats part of the reason the too fast, too furious, get in there and propose method just won't do you any good.
You need to think like a guy who has his own life, seperate and without her. You hang out with her because you want to, not because you need to, etc.
NOW, be really careful that you dont go too far and end up being an asshole. Dont ignore her texts (although if you want to pretend you're a busy, a half hour wait period is acceptable IF you apologise in your reply, ie 'Sorry for the late reply, *reply to message*' . The message you're trying to get across in this way is I'm not ignoring you, I was just busy at the time. You don't need to do this everytime, just if your reply rate is always a fraction of a second, it can give that 'waiting by the phone' vibe. Don't put her down (other than lightly and playfully when shes aware its a joke), and if you do hurt her feelings, apologise. When you get really nervous around a girl and you don't want to seem whipped, its easy to act like a jerk to hide the way you feel - but resist the urge.
YOU PLAY THE FRIEND CARD
Yes, yes, best friends can turn around one day and be in love. I KNOW, I watch movies. BUT, as a dating plan - this is not your best shot. When you meet a girl you want to date, dont ever play the friend card. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE HER FRIEND. You want to be the guy she has a 'thing' with (as we all so eloquently put it) and then progress. It's best to do a little flirting, and then straight from there establish that you are interested in her. If you're in a group, talking & hanging out with only her makes it a bit obvious. If she reacts well, you continue, if she seems uncomfortable, she's not into it, so abort mission. Flirt, do not act like you're not interested in her at all and then have long deep and meaningfuls about life and the soul and her series of ex-boyfriends. Because seriously, you're weaseling yourself right into 'male bestie' position, and for someone who wants to be with this girl, that is bad, kid, BAD.
YOU COMPLAIN TOO MUCH
This one requires explanation. If you hurt yourself you're allowed to grumble a little bit, whatever. But do NOT spend ages complaining about how you find yourself unnatractive, or stupid, or especially that girls never like you. If those things matter to you, complain to your best friend, or best female friend, or any other female than the one (or friends of the one) that you want to be with. Especially in early days, any percieved 'whinyness' or extreme underconfidence will be a real turn off. There are simple reasons for this. Underconfidence indicates that maybe you don't have that whole 'own life' thing she's interested in.
You've got to understand that you do have things going for you, that you are deserving of love, and that you need to just pretend to be a little more comfortable with yourself. All those things that have led you to believe you're not good enough - push them to the side for a minute. You are who you are, and the difference between people who people seem to like, and people they dont, is often just simply in the way those people percieve themselves - if you're comfortable with you, other people will be too.
So really, project that instead. If you complain that no girls like you, it often comes across as a demand that she like you - which puts both unnecessary pressure & desperation on the table. And, to be honest, she may begin to wonder if you're just another 'nice guy', because 8 times out of 10, she'll have dealt with one before.
So, to wrap it up: Get your shit together before you start trying to get a girl into the equation. Be (or at least act) confident, dont go too fast, too furious & scare her off, dont be an asshole, AND, most importantly
IF YOU DONT GET THE GIRL, SOMETIMES SHIT JUST HAPPENS. Sometimes she's just not into you, sometimes something gets in the way - reread this post, try and move on (although we all know its hard) and try again - itll happen.
Good luck, Nice guys.
1 comments:
haha amazing. x hivennn.
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